Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
