I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
