how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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