Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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