when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
