if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
