I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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