i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
