In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
