I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
