and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
