i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial