my phone needs a breathalizer
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
