Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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