All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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