She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
