he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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