i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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