Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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