tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
