the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
