omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
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