I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
