I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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