Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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