Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
