Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
