i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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