we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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