So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
