He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
