just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
