bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
