somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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