I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
