Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
is that a dick in a sweater?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
