Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
