I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
