When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
