I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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