I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
