I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
