She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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