I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I am midnight drunk by noon
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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