remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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