He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
