the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
