I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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