I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.