I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas