On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b