she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
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You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
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It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.