I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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