i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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