I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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