"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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