It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
