my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
