I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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