Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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