I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
