the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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