Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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