I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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