Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
